Oktoberfest by the Bay 2006

Oktoberfest By the Bay was missing something. A certain ich weiß nicht was that might have made me glad I went.

Waiting in line outside for nearly an hour and a half was probably the most enjoyable part; at least I could talk with friends without having to shout. I could hear the horde inside long before I could see it. Once through the door (a privilege that cost $15), we learned that they were sold out of the liter-sized beer steins ($10), so there was no longer any hope of making $6 beers worthwhile. Various booths sold kitschy hats that looked more like souvenirs from a Harry Potter convention than anything a Deutscher might wear. The bratwurst on offer looked lamer than what I can get at the local county fair. The beer was good, but at $6 a pop I felt like I took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up in a football stadium. The Jäger shots ($4 each or three for $10) couldn't have been more than half their claimed volume, so I stayed sober enough to feel ripped off, and the thin plastic test tubes did nothing to retain the cold necessary to keep Jäger palatable.

The warehouse lights of the pavillion lent nothing to the atmosphere, exposing the grimy, beer-saturated detail of every horizontal surface. Once the sun went down, the other side of beer consumption went on display outside in the form of every imaginable style of public urination, from the masculine arc into the Bay to the more gentle squat against the wall. The pier's moorings held fast the wallowing masses.

After an hour the music finally started, but "Brown-Eyed Girl" was hardly what I was expecting at Oktoberfest. Entertainment came in fits and starts throughout the evening, with the occasional traditional number thrown in between the chants of "ziggy zoggy ziggy zoggy hoy hoy hoy," obviously learned by most from studious hours spent watching "The Man Show."

Long after I decided that I needed a trip to a real bar to make up for the Oktoberfest experience, we finally took our leave of the event. From beneath the dumpsters emerged a rather large puddle I don't recall seeing on my way in. Revellers embarked on their journey homeward, some lightening their load along the way. For several blocks in every direction, the remains of well-used steins lay scattered along the pavement, thoroughly shattered along with my expectations.